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Funny Quotes About Life
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.” – Unknown
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Cheers!” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Richard Jeni
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney J. Harris
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” —Mark Twain
“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” —Fran Lebowitz
“The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.” — Coco Chanel
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
“Life is an onion and one cries while peeling it.” – French Proverb
“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.” – Conan O’Brien
“The answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything is 42.” – Douglas Adams, ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’
“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.” – Anonymous
“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.” – Danny Kaye
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
“I know the voices in my head aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!” – Anonymous
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
“Life is a long lesson in humility.” – James M. Barrie
“After all is said and done, more is said than done.” – Aesop
“You never know what you have until you clean your room.”
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” – Helen Keller
You’re the closest thing to a miracle in my life. And sometimes the worst thing that ever happened to me. – Grey’s Anatomy (TV show), Meredith Grey
Love is like a spice. It can sweeten your life – but it can spoil your appetite. – Anonymous
