Top 80+ Best New Famous Funny Inspirational Quotes

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Funny Inspirational Quotes

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.” – Golda Meir

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“The best revenge is massive success.” – Frank Sinatra

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott (The Office)

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” – Dolly Parton

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” – Fran Lebowitz

“If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.” – Phyllis Diller

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Theodor Rosyfelt

“Bad decisions make good stories.” – Ellis Vidler

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” – Bill Murray

“When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde

“A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” – Lucille Ball

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

“Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.” – Dick Van Dyke

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.” – Mark Twain

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” – Mike Bechtle

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself.” – Ethel Barrymore

“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Judith Martin

“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” – Shirley MacLaine

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” – Charlie Brown

‘Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen

‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey

‘Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels’ –Unknown

‘What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.’- Phyllis Diller

‘The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.’ –Robert Frost

‘The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.’ – Denise Miller

‘Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?’ – J. Paul Getty

‘Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.’ – Homer Simpson

‘Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock.’ –Pablo Picass0

‘Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?’ – Steve Jobs

‘Failure is not an option-it comes bundled with the software.’ – Unknown

‘The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.’ – Joseph Stilwell

‘Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.’ – Andrew Young

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?’ – Kin Hubbard

There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.’ – David Letterman

There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.’ – Peter Drucker

‘By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.’ – Robert Frost

‘Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.’ – Doug Larson

‘Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson

‘Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.’ – TS Eliot

‘If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.’ – Benjamin Franklin

‘Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.’ – George Burns

‘Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.’ – Unkmown

‘If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.’ – Quentin Crisp

‘If at first you don’t succeed, try management.’ – Unknown

‘Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.’ – Dilbert

‘Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. – Lewis Grizzard

‘The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde

‘All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.’ – Aristotle

‘Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes.’ – Henry Thoreau

‘Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.’ – Unknown

‘Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.’ – The Office

‘Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful.’ – Benjamin Disraeli

‘You never become a howling success by just howling.’ – Bob Harrington

‘Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.’ – Joseph Heller