Best New Famous Funny Quotes For Everyone In Life

Short Funny Quotes

• “There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” ― Sylvia Plath

• “Are we going to be friends forever?’ asked Piglet. ‘Even longer,’ Pooh answered.” ― A.A. Milne

• “Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.” ― Edwin Arlington Robinson

• “A good friend is a connection to life — a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ― Lois Wyse

• “Two things you will never have to chase: True friends & true love.” ― Mandy Hale

• “There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.” — Linda Grayson

• “Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.” — Charles Lamb

• “A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.” — Donna Roberts

• “Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”

• “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn

• “I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room.. but not too humid because of my hair.”

• “I’d take a nerf bullet for you.”

• “There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.” – Sylvia Plath

• “I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship.”

• “One sure way to lose another woman’s friendship is to try to improve her flower arrangements.” – Marcelene Cox

• “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. “ – Reba McEntire

• “Life is not a fairy tale. You lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

• “Do not take life too seriously. You never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

• “Fear is the second toughest bitch in life. Do you know who comes first? You.”

• “My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?”

• “Life…is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.”

• “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

• “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” 

• “Life is like experiments. The more you try, the better you become.”

• “Life is like a roller coaster pic – scary at the moment, funny looking back.”

• “Life is like an elevator – Sometimes it stops. But it’ll move up again.”

• “Life is like ice cream. Enjoy it before it melts.”

• “Life is like going to a party – dance even when you don’t feel like it.”

• I have never developed indigestion from eating my words. -Winston Churchill

• People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. -Zig Ziglar

• Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats. -Voltaire

• Try walking forward while looking over your shoulder and see how far you get. The same goes for life. Look forward! -Martin Henderson

• Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

• I cannot afford to waste my time making money. -Louis Agassiz

• The only normal people are the ones that you don’t know very well. -Alfred Adler

• There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything and people who know absolutely nothing. -Oscar Wilde

• What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

• Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. -Albert Schweitzer

• It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.

• Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. -Will Rogers

• It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. -Ashleigh Brilliant

• Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. -Charles J. Sykes

• I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. -Winston Churchill

• Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

• Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.

• Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.

• “Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.” 

• I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?

• “Do more things that make you forget to check your phone.” 

• Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener

• “I am difficult because I am rare”

• “Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time.” 

• Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.

• “Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.”

• I had a dream that I still loved you…I think I woke up screaming.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

• I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.

• “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

• “Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!” – Jeffrey Gitomer

• “I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott

• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

• “It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

• “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

• “Always remember that you are unique  –  just like everybody else.” – Unknown

• “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz

• “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get a warm feeling that it brings.” – Robert Bloch

• “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

• “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown

• “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

• “When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?”” – Sydney Harris

• “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

• “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

• Happiness is when “Last seen at” changes to “online” and then to “typing..”

• Your Whatsapp status says online …..If you are online then why aren’t you texting me?

• I want my Girlfriend to like Google, She will understand me better.

• Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.

• I meditate for 20 min every morning …..It helps reduce the stress of being 20 min late for everything.

• Life will give you exactly what you need, not what you want.

• I’m cool but global warming made me hot.

• Sometimes I just wish I could fast forward the time to see if in the end, it’s all worth it.

• One wise guy invented the mobile application WhatsApp…..and his wife added the last-seen feature.

• Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.

• Me and my wife lived happily for 25 years… And then we met…!

• One person’s LOL is another’s WTF!

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

• Dear Mario…..I Wasted My Childhood Trying To Save Your Girlfriend. Now, you help me to save mine.

• I Loved A Girl and She Broke My Heart….. Now every piece of my heart loves DifferenT Girlz…. People called it flirt That’s Not fair…

• Life was much easier when Apples and Blackberries were just fruits.

• I enjoy it when people show Attitude to me because it shows that they need an Attitude to impress me!

• A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

• Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.

• I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

• All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

• “Sometimes I think our family tree doesn’t branch quite enough.”

• “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”

• “If you think I’m crazy wait till you meet my family.”   

• “Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.”    

• “My family is temperamental. Half temper, half mental.”

• “We are more than family. We are like a really small gang.”

• “Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.”  

• “In my family, crazy is relative. All of them.”

• “Families are like fudge… mostly sweet with a few nuts.”

• “It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”

• “Sometimes people say they can’t tell me and my sister apart. Here’s a hint: I’m the pretty one.”

• “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”

• “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill

• “Love is sharing your popcorn.” – Charles Schultz

• “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

• “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” – Cameron Esposito

• “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman

• “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” —Cher

• “Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!” — Zeenat Essa

• “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland

• “Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” — Zig Ziglar TC mark

• “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke

• “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” – Lily Tomlin14. 

• “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

• “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” – Donatella in Letters to Juliet

• “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”– Janet Periat

• “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” – Bill Maher

• “Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” – Joginder Singh

• “Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.” -Marc Brown

• “Half the time when brothers wrestle, it’s just an excuse to hug each other.” -James Patterson

• “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.” -Bob Hope

• “Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.” -Maya Angelou

• “Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.” -Susan Scarf Merrell

• “Oh, brothers! I don’t care for my brothers. My older brother won’t die, and my younger brothers seem never to do anything else.” -Oscar Wilde

• “Without my big brother I probably literally wouldn’t be here.” -Mikey Way

• “Brotherhood is the very price and condition of man’s survival.” Carlos P. -Romulo

• “A brother may not be a friend, but a friend will always be a brother.” -Benjamin Franklin

• “I grew up with a younger brother, so I can get pretty rowdy.” -Sarah Wynter

• “The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.” -Winston Pendleton

• “It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.” -Dylan Thomas

• “The best thing about having four big brothers is you always have someone to do something for you.” -Chloe Grace Moretz

• “Brothers that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.” -Lemony Snicket

• “Brothers are children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” -Sam Levenson

• I love my crazy, goofy, sometimes stupid boyfriend

• I know I’m a handful, but that’s why you got two hands

• Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh I put up with you. So we’re even.

• I am a kind person. Just don’t push the b!t©h button.

• I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top.

• “I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.”

• I still fall for you every day of my life.

• In this house, we believe in the Great Pumpkin.

• You’re the cheese on top of my spaghetti, the cream on top of my frappuccino, and the cheesecake on my red velvet cake.

• I wish there was a traffic light to tell me when to stop, go and slow down when I took this road of falling in love with you every time.

• I’m quite certain that you’re the only person I can have a serious debate with about a fictional scenario that is ridiculously stupid.

• “Even if I were allowed to marry food, I would still choose you over pizza. And that’s saying something.”

• The tans might fade, but our summer memories will last forever.

• The leaves might fall, but you’ll be in my heart forever.

• Something tells me I’m going to love him forever.

• Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

• My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.

• I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.

• I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

• Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.

• “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” Carl Zwanzig

• “Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” Scott Adams

• “Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you’re a consultant.” Tori Filler

• “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” Phil Pastoret

• “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” ~ Dave Barry

• “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ~ Jerome K. Jerome

• “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” ~ Steven Wright

• “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” ~ Robert Frost

• “Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.” ~ Al Capp

• “I hold a little fundraiser every day. It’s called going to work.” ~ Stephen Colbert

• More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.

• Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow.

• I smile because you are my sister, I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!

• Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

• No one can make me laugh like you do – especially when I look at your face.

• Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.

• “Yeah, my sister scares me a little bit, but that’s part of what I love about her.”

• No 1 knows better than a sister how we grew up & who our friends, teachers & favorite toys were. No 1 knows better than she… 

• “Sisters may drive you crazy, get into your stuff and irritate you. However, if anyone else dares say so, a sister will defend you to the death.”

• Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other.

• “If you mess with one sister, you should know there’s another sister out there who has her back.”

• A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost.

• “As far as sisters go, you’re the best there is, but I’m still the favorite.”

• How do people make it through life without a sister?

• “Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”

• Every morning I long to hold you, I need you, I want you, I love your warmth… your smell, your taste… Ohhh coffee I love you. Good Morning!

• Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well.

• If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘Good morning at total strangers.

• In the morning, instead of saying to yourself, ‘I got to wake up say ‘I get to wake up!’-Erykah Badu

• Morning is an important time of day because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. — Lemony Snicket

• Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

• The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.

• Each sunrise gives hope to your dreams and light to your plans. -William Ngwako Maphoto

• I don’t like the morning, because it starts when I’m still asleep.

• Prayer is the key of the morning and the bolt of the evening. — Mahatma Gandhi

• There are some days when I just don’t feel like talking. Today is that day.

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before.-Maya Angelou

• Good morning! It’s time to wake up and give the bed bugs rest, you’ve really made them suffer with all your snoring.

• I got up to watch the sunrise this morning. It reminds me of your smile, and I can never get enough of your smile. Good Morning friend.